Monday, August 01, 2005

uncertainty is like a drug

"too low to find my way, too high to wonder why" [thievery corp.]

it's now into the lazy daze of august— the time of limbo between a neverending summer and the curse of obligatory autumn— the last of the days before the begin-again of september when schedules fill and motivations rise to the occassion of school and work and etceteras. it's the daunting "decisions have to be made" and the last chance to procrastinate life. and at my age and in my situation, it's a time of heightened uncertainty.

for me this uncertainty has evolved into a kind of drug, and i'm an addict. i've moved and changed so many times i've grown to thrive on unpredictability. it's glorious not to know what's next— to guess and dream and try to put your life together: like a jigsaw puzzle thrown out on the table ready to piece together again. there's a kind of r u s h to it all.

it's not knowing what to do or where to go when what to do and where to go is a whole realm of possibility set before you. i mean, i can do a n y t h i n g i want but what is that? not fair. an evil duality exists here... and i'm comin off the high.


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