Tuesday, July 25, 2006

a welcomed descent

from fall into winter, the warm shades of orange fade to gray and white, deep into the cruelty of the cold new year. falling in love with the wrong person is an equally welcomed descent– the sweetest decline– from the first surge of feeling to the miserable winter of a cold heart. when you choose to invest your love in a futile prospect, it is like choosing to be infected with a terminal illness. but this cancer is benign. it is a dead mass anchored to a heart which fears emptiness, and it cannot give birth to anything, even the richness of misery when it is unjustified.

make haste, oh grand scheme of life. wipe the clouds from this starless night and renew the deep hues of autumn so we can gracefully descend once again.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

the awkward grasp for the pen

it's after midnight again. it's another night of restlessness and as my head hits the pillow thoughts come alive. i groan, roll over and click my bedside light on. now for the pen. without leaving the comfort of my twisted sheets, i reach precariously for the only pen in sight. the essence of pen to paper must be kept alive, for there will always be time for blogs later.

like now.

so what were these revelations so worthy of postponing the attempt at sleep?

#1: the sobering realization that i no longer believe in love. (just for me- i am sure you have a wonderful "in-love life" – there's a difference between love and 'in-love', you know) but i just don't believe i will ever love again (or be loved for that matter). not at least in the way i have loved. it's like when you go long enough without feeling something, you forget what it felt like and in forgetting, you dismiss it as a possibility. i have forgotten what it feels like to be in love, and i have only seen it's dark side for the past several years. i suppose that since i cannot comprehend it's re-appearance, when it does emerge i will cherish it, for i have never known the love i will someday experience.

#2: sometimes when you set out looking for something, you find yourself instead

#3: bodies are physical traps for shining souls if only we could see beyond the darkness of appearances

#4: will our small actions change anything at all? such as an attempt to make a connection with someone that would otherwise never have been made. does this affect the pull of the universe– to extend communication to those who are far away, to those who least expect it? what is destiny and what is just a failed scientific experiment? mixing worlds by choice, not default.

i'm nuts. for ever turning the light back on. but then again, even stars look blurry in the heat.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

the perfect summer evening

when the air is thick and warm, but with the stir of a fresh breeze is brought the hint of chill. the moon hangs full and pink... pink? is it the sun setting in La Jolla? golden waves are rolling in there now, as the breeze is rolling through the east, here, clueing us in to what we have missed as we step out onto the pavement, realizing we'd lost this perfect summer evening. but in your eyes the promise of many perfect summer evenings to come rose, full as the moon.