Wednesday, August 13, 2008

a sense of place

sometimes i feel lost. i realize where i am and where i am not and wonder what i am doing here and not there. but i never feel like i'm home. nothing is "it". maybe that's why i can't stop moving from place to place. Am i looking for "it" or just trying to scratch an itch? do i have an incurable desire for change, for motion? change, risk, to be in motion: these all make me feel the most alive.

how can i ever leave this place?
the boats and beaches and warm adventures of a summer night. hands down autumn is my favorite season, and as we draw nearer the time, i can't help but long for the leaves to change and give way to the wealth of inspiration that is new england in the fall. the descent. and the only respite in winter: the empty shores and active seas. but can i stay here forever when there are other cities to explore, only places to be?

the sense that earth is not my home aggravates my ability to find peace anywhere. yes, i can make any apartment, house or room a comfortable place to live, but i have ceased to become attached. who cares about anywhere when the only place I really want to be is heaven.

i have experienced 2 significant deaths within the past week. my sense of real or right or heaven or earth is all confused right now. our time here on earth is so short, so fleeting, like a vapor (eccl. 1:2) if we have a faith in jesus christ there is an eternal home waiting for us, and we should look to it with hope and expectation. but for those left behind, there is a devastating emptiness left in the absence of someone we love. we shed tears not for their sake, but for our own desire to have them still with us. the tragedy is that we are still left here with earthly trials, and they are finally home.

i used to be afraid to die. really afraid- i dreaded it every time i got into a car. but now, i see the joy in looking heavenward. nothing on this earth matters. we live to serve God, to glorify him and to expand his kingdom. He has been gracious and good to give us family, friends, nature and other pleasures to enjoy. But nothing lasts except our relationship with Him, and if we are called to love Him above all else, why wouldn't we want to be with the one we love the most?