Friday, December 29, 2006

we must move on.

we hate what has happened. it repulses but renews. the chance to start again, though ill. to erase the past— no, to replace the awful memories with better ones. the thoughts that sicken weigh us down.

we must move on.

we love what has happened. we cling to it, we don't want to let it go as we fare into the unknown. the possibility of losing something beautiful. we are happy, and we don't want it to change.

we must move on.

is the future brighter? there is no empirical data to suggest that today is any better than yesterday. the future and the past— both so bittersweet. it's the movement forward that is meaning. moving toward love. the movement toward light, for we may always be battling the darkness, but the light must be ahead. for when it is not even visible there is no hope, no meaning. the light is love, love in the most rich and simple sense of the word. everything that the Word claims it to be, everything that the One who loves us the most embodies, exemplifies, urges.

but we can only try. and go on trying. for satisfaction, achievement, actualization — these are towers of egotistical temptation which can never be realized. they are as illusory as 'happiness'— which is only a dsitraction from the joy which lives "sudden in a shaft of sunlight": the brief moment, the brief pause between past and future.

"love is when here and now cease to matter". when we— ourselves, myself ceases to matter. when the overwhelming and inexhaustible sense of inadequacy, of shortcoming ceases to affect us, we are love.

and to get there, we must move on.

Monday, December 25, 2006

a theme of love

what is time but to be in an out of time? For now is the time when the retreat— the escape into childhood memory is welcomed, encouraged— perhaps made inescapable. This moment, this day, this ritual enhanced by music & precious memory— like building blocks: year upon year, era upon era. to this, now— never to repeat or outweigh the past— only to remember. nostalgia sustains.

fission. fusion. what is self-sustaining? the sun sustains its energy by nuclear fusion— how do we sustain ours? by a pulling apart of slamming together? by combining our existence with a higher power? or pulling apart from the sin which so easily entagles?

why do we do what we do? why do we self-destruct? annihilate? masochise? why do we hurt ourselves without a thought— but we cringe when others do it? we are repulsed when we see our sinful potential manifest in another. why is there such anger and distress when we have been and will be no better? there is a hatred within me for something, somewhere. but i cannot figure out what. is it the rejection? the walking away? the momentary denial? the everyday turning away? but i was, i am guilty of such things.

is that why i hate them now?

i think— all we want is is love. all we seek is love. we want to be loved. we want others to be loved. we want to love ourselves and we want others to love themselves. if we do not see evidence of any of these forms of love, we get distressed. or at least, i do.

i do not understand the lack of love. why can't someone love me? why can't someone love my best friend? why can't my friends love themselves? love has been the dominant theme this advent season. God loved. loves. us. we are only called to

1. love God
2. love ourselves
3. love our neighbors

so... we need to love God. We need to love others. but to understand love we must learn to love ourselves and accept the love of Christ. the unconditional love of Christ. the unimaginable love of Christ. this is the hardest thing to do. because we suck. people suck. but God still loves us. and cares about us. how? why? what the f—? but we have to accept it if we are going to experience it. to accept the gift. the most important gift. so that we might only begin to know Him, to know ourselves. to give hope to our seemingly unredeemable souls.

Friday, December 15, 2006

a Word

who are we to constantly perceive our existence as potentially better or worse?

it is.


you talk about me, you talk, you talk.
you talk endlessly about me, about your Savior.

but you sit, you sit in crowded bars
and do nothing with your precious revelations.