Tuesday, February 10, 2009

grand theft auto

no, not the video game. this is the real thing.

friday morning i nonchalantly left the house- coffee in hand- and was stopped short at the sight of an empty driveway. I wish there had been a camera to capture the look on my face. where was my car? it took me a few minutes to run through the list of possibilities- some wild- before i concluded that it had to be stolen. i do live in lawrence where such an incident is highly likely. but to me? in disbelief i went inside to do what all people do when their cars get stolen: call the [highly sympathetic] police.

now this was great. behold, my conversation with the lawrence's finest:
me: "hi, i'd like to report a stolen vehicle"
highly sympathetic woman: "oh you have to fill that report out in person"
me: "i don't have a car!"
highly sympathetic woman: "well, take a cab"

daaaannnggggg... they are serious over there. so luckily i got a ride to the station, which is a portrait of efficiency and cleanliness. the highly sympathetic officer helping me acted like i was reporting a stolen tube of lipstick.

one thing i did get was a little perspective. there was a woman in line with me who didn't speak a word of english, and had to have another walk-in translate that she needed a restraining order b/c someone was trying to murder her. the reaction she got from the highly sympathetic police officers was as if she was trying to get a restraining order b/c her teddy bear was trying to strangle her in the night.

i just got my car stolen...

surprisingly, the whole fiasco was more entertaining than traumatizing for me. who steals a crummy honda from a driveway in possibly the nicest neighborhood in lawrence? joke was on them really. i gave up hope of ever seeing sexy sadie again (yes, i named my car and yes, it's after the beatles song). which is fine except that new cars, even new used cars, cost money.

it was in shock and awe that i received a call from a highly sympathetic police office later friday evening reported that they had indeed recovered my "vehicle". they told me which towing company to call. i called. the well-spoken gentleman on the other end proceeded to tell me that my car was not there and to call the police back and tell them they were crazy. right. so while i was on the phone with the police somehow all the geniuses involved figured out my car was indeed at this fine establishment. i called back to find out when i could come see my car and the thick massachusetts accent replied "well you'd better come when it's light out". yikes! what did that mean?

saturday i go to the tow lot to find the damage far better than expected. all they took was the rear bumper and the tail lights, they tore apart the inside as if i had something of value (ha!) and made off with my phone charger and, of all things, my bible.

basically, these people are idiots. that's all they took? my scratched up, hanging on by a thread bumper, my cheap-o phone charger (not my expensive ipod paraphernalia) and my beat-up bible. at least they took the bible, and you know, i honestly hope to meet them in heaven b/c of it. (and i hope the first passage they turn to is Exodus 20:15)

so... i am grateful seeing as it could have been worse. no one was hurt, my car can be fixed, and sadie and i will be reunited once again.

my only moment of disappointment was upon reading the police report which stated "no arrest made". what?! they didn't stake out my car? no snipers were involved? whatEVER.

for now i have a rental (which smells like someone killed a pack of cigarettes and them fester and rot in a puddle of water). life could be worse. no one is trying to murder me.

THIS JUST IN: as i was writing this insurance guy #3 called me to inform me he just checked out my car, but i can't get it fixed yet b/c the police haven't released the vehicle.

why is that, you might ask? well, turns out lawrence's finest are indeed highly sympathetic and are, in fact, fingerprinting my car! wow, who knew they actually "cared"? (maybe seeing as there is a giant hand print on the passenger window, they saw the potential for a smooth investigation...)

well, we'll see how this all turns out... in the meantime, those criminals better be doing some serious reading...