a poem

fields turn from green to brown
as the torch bearer slowly
wanders through the trees
one by one, each set a-flame;
mother nature’s arsonry.
a gasp of breath: the world’s on fire
[and we smile for a time]
til the flames subside;
the falling leaves, fading embers
and with the last is left a skeleton of ash,
winter has arrived.

with a full heart...

i have made a major life decision (yikes!)

i will be attending trinity evangelical divinity school in chicago this fall. while i don't know the end, the means will be an mdiv degree.

some of you may known i've had a desire to go to seminary or that i feel a constant thirst for change... the culmination of these two factors woke me up every morning with the same thought: i want to go to seminary. and i want to go somewhere new.

i sent away for info from the east, west and in-between. the west coast... how exciting! however... after visiting trinity over the holidays and finding it quite enticing, i deliberated, prayed, and eventually succumbed to practicality and the achings of my heart to not only be at an excellent school, but closer to my family (now what will they bug me about??)

the gradual peace and confidence that God has given me to do this was long awaited but now consumes me. i am excited and totally freaked out. while i grew up in chicago, i have lived in boston for almost 9 years.

9 beautiful years including college, epic ocean moments, the red sox winning the world series, life-long friendships and a church home.

so it is with a heavy heart that i say goodbye. goodbye to a place that i fell in love with, have had a relationship, and will now leave for a city only known in childhood. goodbye to the dearest of friends, the best of co-workers and a network of people who have supported and loved me.

but it is with a full heart that i welcome a new opportunity to learn, to stretch my comfort zone even within a familiar place, and that i embrace the love of a family i have so dearly missed. while chicago is not portland, seattle or san francisco, it is a chance at something new, something different and now something i am truly enthusiastic about.

so, come august: my dear east coast friends, i will be blowing you kisses through the tears; and my dear family and soon-to-be chicago friends, i look forward to undeniably good times ahead.

and Big G... thanks for the invitation and for giving me the heart to say yes.

inspiration at the opera

an unexpected occurrence, indeed. not for lack of beautiful music, of course, but opera plots are reputably wild and obscure.

today's performace of haydn's orfeo was unstaged, consisting simply of orchestra and voice. this arrangement could easily have allowed a divorce from plot if one did not follow the translated text. at times they seemed indifferent, perhaps– the plot acting as a vehicle for the musical composition. I personally believe in this instance the simplicity allowed the beauty of the music and the voices to dominate the performance, rather than theatrics or plot.

however, i made a discovery. i was ambivalent to the plot itself, but it was the words which aroused my inspiration. first of all, italian is a language dear to my heart given my experience in italy, and when sung by this caliber of voices it channels the divine. secondly, a fact so often overlooked is that these composers were also poets. haydn was indeed a poet with carefully crafted and delightfully descriptive lyrics. his sensitivity to the consequences of love rings true.

here are the excerpts i enjoyed the most:

Thought is concerned with objective;
every desire stems from them.
We are governed by our affections,
and yet claim to be free.
So a bird will spread its wings
and think that it can fly,
when the unfortunate beast is tied
by its foot, all unknowingly.

...

One can love even in old age
when the hearts are those of lovers.
True love never alters
when it rules the heart.

...

Closed are the beautiful
eyes full of lovelight;
their splendor
now gleams among the stars.

...

One who lives but does not hope
for love and love's delight–
it would be better to be dead
than living thus.

The sense are sharper,
the joys more intense,
of one whose days are spent
in the arms of love.

...

Hope is nothing but a siren song

...

Constancy you ask of me?
Ah, before the constancy
and ardor of my loving heart desert me,
the stars will be snuffed out,
the sun turn to ice,
shadows radiate light, the sky turn dark!
The beauty that set my heart on fire
has made my heart invincible.


perhaps it was the romance of attending "the opera", or the magnificent quality of music... but my belief in love resurfaced. my numbness to the idea of ever being able to know that feeling again– or even want it– melted away. not completely, for i have not yet found it. but i believe in it again.

thank you, joseph haydn, for writing this masterpiece of music and poetry and for waiting 60 years to have it performed. it was worth it... for all of us.

the Word

having just celebrated the birth of Christ, the Word made flesh, it seems appropriate to express my passion for studying the Word and for seeking a deeper knowledge and love of Christ.

"Since I have first gained the use of reason my inclination toward learning has been so violent and strong a passion that neither the scoldings of other people... nor my own reflections... have been able to stop me from following this natural impulse that God gave me"
~Juana Ines de la Cruz (1691)

i thirst, i ache to learn, to always seek beyond what i already know. perhaps this is a healthy lust for truth, or maybe i am just eager to keep my eyes open, my mind alive. in any case, i have always enjoyed learning. a college professor once, intuitively acknowledging my eager nature, advised me never to stop, and encouraged me to continue learning even after my formal education was complete. at that time i assumed that my undergraduate college experience would be the completion of my formal education, but i held loosely to the possibility of grad school.

over the past few years, as i have been growing in my faith and my desire for Christ, my passion for knowledge has shifted from the worldly to the theological. i want to learn about the Word of God, I want to know the details, the original Greek, Hebrew, history... and i want to be able to approach it from an informed, analytical standpoint. i have so many questions, and there is so much i would like to discuss with fellow believers and share with those who seek a greater understanding of God and the Bible, those who may not know Him.

i feel that the only way to quench this thirst is to attend seminary. so, that is what i am attempting to accomplish. one step at a time, but i am on the path, regardless of those who intimidate or criticize, and with all gratefulness to those who encourage and assist.

the next few months are crucial... i will have to work hard to apply, decide, and prepare my heart for whatever lies ahead. i will need to be constantly in prayer and i will need your prayers. i will also need things like a new computer, new kinds of software (i thought i'd be upgrading to Adobe CS4, but instead i am trying to acquire a copy of Logos, bible software!) and booksbooksbooks.

while this seems daunting and scary, i couldn't be more excited. i start my first class at Gordon Conwell at the end of January, my first taste. hopefully it will be only the beginning, the whetting of my palette.

as many of my previous posts have expressed, i can't shake the idea that there is more to life, that i am somehow missing out on something greater. this might be it! i guess we'll see what God has planned...

a sense of place

sometimes i feel lost. i realize where i am and where i am not and wonder what i am doing here and not there. but i never feel like i'm home. nothing is "it". maybe that's why i can't stop moving from place to place. Am i looking for "it" or just trying to scratch an itch? do i have an incurable desire for change, for motion? change, risk, to be in motion: these all make me feel the most alive.

how can i ever leave this place? the boats and beaches and warm adventures of a summer night. hands down autumn is my favorite season, and as we draw nearer the time, i can't help but long for the leaves to change and give way to the wealth of inspiration that is new england in the fall. the descent. and the only respite in winter: the empty shores and active seas. but can i stay here forever when there are other cities to explore, only places to be?

the sense that earth is not my home aggravates my ability to find peace anywhere. yes, i can make any apartment, house or room a comfortable place to live, but i have ceased to become attached. who cares about anywhere when the only place I really want to be is heaven.

i have experienced 2 significant deaths within the past week. my sense of real or right or heaven or earth is all confused right now. our time here on earth is so short, so fleeting, like a vapor (eccl. 1:2) if we have a faith in jesus christ there is an eternal home waiting for us, and we should look to it with hope and expectation. but for those left behind, there is a devastating emptiness left in the absence of someone we love. we shed tears not for their sake, but for our own desire to have them still with us. the tragedy is that we are still left here with earthly trials, and they are finally home.

i used to be afraid to die. really afraid- i dreaded it every time i got into a car. but now, i see the joy in looking heavenward. nothing on this earth matters. we live to serve God, to glorify him and to expand his kingdom. He has been gracious and good to give us family, friends, nature and other pleasures to enjoy. But nothing lasts except our relationship with Him, and if we are called to love Him above all else, why wouldn't we want to be with the one we love the most?

reading in the library

quiet. and suddenly you look up from the page... familiarizing yourself with reality outside the binding. has it only been an hour? it seems like an eternity that you've been lost between the lines, down lanes, at cocktail parties, watching people's upper lips, back in the 1950s, the 30s, in the mysteries of a marriage... it is a strange feeling to look around and see that the world is still going about its normal business, unaware of where you have just been. you reluctantly slide the book back into its neatly stacked place, and as you approach the door, you take one more breath to revere this silent alternate reality before stepping into the cold and misty existence that is yours.

absence

absence from someone you want to be with is torture. there is the kind when you aren't sure when you are going to see them again, and the kind when you know exactly how long it will be. these are two very different forms of torture: either the days begin with new hope and the end with the sickening weight of disappointment, or you wake up dreading all waking hours, but the last moment before sleep will have you giddy with joy that another day has passed. while one form of agony is suspense, the other is the awful knowledge of time. how many days hours minutes you will have to wait. which is worse? well, i have to say that at least in the knowing there's a smile.